On Wanting a Child: Deciding not to Decide

'To have a kid or not to have a kid, that is the question.'

If Shakespeare had been a woman, perhaps we could have read such a quotation in his works. But, he wasn't and I'm pretty sure that was one of the last things he would have thought of talking about in his writings. Instead, our girl Jane Austen took the matter in her own hands when she wrote to her niece; "[...] by not beginning the business of mothering quite so early in life, you will be young in constitution, spirits, figure and countenance, while Mrs. Wm. Hammond is growing old by confinements and nursing." We get it Jane, you had better things to do than spending your most precious years taking care of Mr. Darcy's babies. Who wants to be in their thirties and watching thier girlies getting married, pregnant and then, divorced?

For the past few months, I've been forced to answer the same questions over and over. As I entered my thirties, it seems like everyone close to me had received an invitation to a special event I was unaware of, one that would be lasting for the next decade or so. But what kind of event would that be you shall ask... Well, it mainly consists of asking intimate questions about my uterus and the way I plan to use it in the following weeks, months or years. Because I'm an anti-social, not so very patient person, I answered nicely the first three times and then, lost my shit.

If you're looking for tips and pieces of advice on how to deal with that kind of judgemental and intrusive people, the internet and social media won't let you down. What I'm interested in here, are the reasons that still convince people to have (or not have) children in 2025.

Before we get to facts, allow me to develop my own perspective on the matter and for that, let's begin with a bit of context: about ten years ago, I found my partner and settled down in a cosy two-bedroom appartment. Life went on, I was safe and in love. My body reacted almost instantly, sending me waves of hormones I could not avoid, urging me to become a mother and to answer Nature's calling. Unknown number, blocked it, looked away, didn't answer.

After a few years of patiently waiting for Nature to forget about me, the calls stopped or at least, were less numerous. That's when I realized; my brain, logic and critical thinking were the only walls still up after the hormonal storm I had just faced. Two parts had been at war for years inside me, and I was exhausted. That is how I came to the conclusion: 'wanting a child' or 'not wanting a child' is an incomplete or unclear statement that no longer matches the complexity of the problem it represents. According to no one but me, both head and body need to agree to make the decision - when you're in a situation that allows you to make it, of course. My point being; it would have been way easier for me to surrender at the first storm encountered.

Asking someone if they 'want a child' and not adding 'or not' means you are immediately excluding 'no' as an answer, and that, my friend, is the first step towards being a judgmental auntie. Using a closed question and expecting a 'yes' or 'no' answer on such a wide, difficult and personal question, is a bit cruel when you think about it. There are many factors and indicators that need to be taken into account before answering! Plus, we both know that whomever is asking, already has their comments and opinions ready for you, whatever you're going to say.

Did I ever felt the want to have a child? Yes. Does that mean that I will answer the call? No. And that's where people get confused. Me not wanting a child doesn't mean ever.
They'll never know how much it hurts to hear things such as 'not having a child is the most selfish thing you could do'. I'm not the vilain here. I want to make sure that kid will have enough to eat, a roof over their head, and will be loved and well-educated. Why would anyone call me selfish for that? What drives people to call me a bad mother before I even get a chance to be one?

I hear the clock ticking 24/7, no need to remind me on every Sunday brunch, thank you.
But, I've come to a much more vicious realization. It seems like my partner doesn't hear that clock. Actually, my panicking over what I haven't accomplished yet and what I still want to do before I get older, is just collateral damage from that tic-tac that keeps on rushing me before... Before what? Let's pause and think about it. What am I running after or running towards exactly? The first answer coming to mind would be 'before it's too late' but too late for what? We both know it: before I get too old to be a mom. Knowing that in the back of my mind and realizing it are two very different things. Gagging. My partner doesn't hear the clock because he doesn't have a clock. He only hears society's clock. Like the bells of the nearest church after Sunday service.
He gets to be a father whenever he wants, no matter how old he gets. I, in contrast, have an out-of-date stamp on my forehead and everyone saw it before I did.

People have many reasons to have children. It's not my place to say if they're good or not. But, once again, I can only speak for myself when I admit that I'm definitely scared of what I will be able to give this kid and what kind of world they'll be growing in.

I won't be listing here all the reasons why people aren't having children, as that list is too long and the reasons vary depending on many different factors. But, among those indicators, you may find: economic problems; uncertainty in the future, including political instability and a lack of security; a switch in priorities with a clear focus on personal growth, leisure, and career advancement; the anxiety of becoming a parent joined by a lack of support and heavy social pressure; the diminishing of religious beliefs and traditional values promoting large families; the redefinition of role models and genders; and finally, the negative experiences and general feedback parents aren't afraid or ashamed to share anymore in their social circle but also online. These are all reasons given by active couples aged 15-49 in 2021 for the following study: Effective factors on voluntary childlessness and one-child tendency from couples' perspective: Compulsory childlessness or child-avoidance?

In 2018, the NIH (National Institute of Health) had also published: What makes people ready to conceive? And this time, over ten thousand people in 79 countries answered their questions. Four key factors emerged from it as what makes people ready to conceive: personal and relationship readiness based on a strong personal desire for a child; economic preconditions, including financial security and stability to support that child; physical health and child costs, including access to quality public medical service; and finally, the parents' social status (whether having a child will enhance their social standing amongst their circle).

And guess what? Some of these indicators are deemed more or less influencial by women or men depending on their age, social status and level of education. The conclusion being: we definitely weren't given the same chances at birth and those biases are influencing our future children before they're even born. That, is knowledge. And education is power. Power over norms and outside pressures. Understanding the reasons why I tend to make this decision instead of another, where does it come from and what influenced it, is precisous information that must be used to develop critical thinking and one's overall decision-making process.

From my perspective, conceiving a child can be an act of love and the answer to a deep, atavistic desire. It can be beautiful and it can be an amazing news if wanted, if chosen. No wonder that first study (2018) had so many respondents and the second one (2021), a lot less. Choosing not to bear children and to live a life as a woman and not as a mother is still not accepted by everyone everywhere. Why? Because women have always put their families first, working hard for their parents, partners and children. All that, for free. Giving away every single thing they owned and never looking back. And that, was considered their nature. Nowadays, a woman choosing herself first, will be called selfish when all she's actually trying to do is to find balance between what was, what has been taught to her, what is and what she would want her life to be.

I don't know if I'll ever have children. I'll keep on trying to understand why people do or don't. Trying to understand their motives will, hopefully, help me ask myself the right questions. There's one thing I can say though: I love my potential future children enough to know when not to have them, and I will continue not having them until I'm sure that my love isn't the only thing that I can offer, because that world outside isn't becoming nicer anytime soon.