Error 404: Self-Forgiveness Required

When I was eighteen, I wrote and posted online my first stories.

The quality of those early stories was, to be blunt, bad. But I was just so happy with my productions, I was so proud of the few words I had managed to put together, that I was shamelessly continuing my works with the same smile on my face.

Some might say I lacked objectivity. They might be right. But, looking back, I find myself being inspired, even impressed at my younger self for having such a faith in something I hadn't had any guidance in, ever. I was so sure of what I was doing that I completely forgot about my peer's opinion and kept on doing my thing because it brought me pleasure and a feeling of finally achieving something I was meant to achieve at some point. When you get there, you don't ever want it to go away.

After a couple of years following that same path and managing to gather a small audience of dedicated readers, I stopped. Writing became an effort, the pleasure was gone and the stories - even if my skills had improved - weren't that interesting. Two of them I still have somewhere around here in a lost file, halfway done, full of endless promises.

As I stopped writing, the readers stopped reading and I moved on to something different.

I always had many hobbies whether it was drawing, painting, colouring or singing. However, what I must deal with now is the guilt that I have been carrying for years. Guilt? Yes, guilt. After pleasure, guilt often follows. I felt guilty for stopping. I have been feeling guilty since the day I decided I couldn't or wouldn't finish those stories. I felt guilty because when I started, I was so drunk on happiness for finally finding something I was deeply involved in that unconsciously, I promised myself that it would continue for ever. Just like two children would promise each other the best of friendship for ever and ever. But, what I hadn't planned was that I grew up and changed. So now, what do I do with the guilt? What do I do with the feeling of disappointment I brought over myself and that I've been carrying around for years? Well, all I could come up with was to acknowledge it and try to forgive my older self for not keeping that promise.

For some reason, starting something is always the easiest part of the process. Whether it's the begining of a new relationship or a book we start, writing a story we have in mind or a walk in the countryside.

The most difficult part is to finish what we have started. Ending things is a real fear for many. The hope and motivation that feeds us at the begining fades along the way and the effort that needs to be made to get to the end of it can be quite unsettling and challenging depending on the situation. Take the example of this article. I started it two days ago and now I have to force myself to finish it; true story. The reward comes at the end, knowing that what had to be done is now over. I'm a to-do-list kind of person. I take pleasure in crossing things off the list. Doing chores as I go, as if they were simple formalities. Do you have a single idea of the energy and the self-discipline that actually requires? I hear the people around me telling me how much they'd love to be the same and how much they're impressed with my organization and capacity for planning things ahead. That didn't come overnight, you know? I had to build up a system, find balance and must make sure that everything is done in time because if it doesn't, the whole system would fall apart and I would lose controle.

And there we are, at the bottom of it. The underwater part of the iceberg. Disappointing myself over an unconscious promise made years ago may sound shallow or even stupid to some. These people, I guess, never question their own feelings. But the question remains: what's the root of the problem? Where does this idea of owing myself so much that I can't even let go of some decision that I made innocently, now bounds me in a contract I have signed not knowning it? Well, that's it: loosing controle. Letting go of what doesn't really matter and not facing any consequences for it. Just dropping the weight. Making the conscious decision that, from now on, among all the baggage I carry, I'll leave this one here, on the side of the road. Be careful, when leaving that bag behind, not to grab some more guilt before you start walking again. That wouldn't be a good bargain. Don't look back either. Yes, it's still here. No, it hasn't moved. You'll have to walk a few more miles before it completely disappears but that's alright. In this particular case, time is your friend and it will help you move on and finally, forget.

My point is: don't sweep these feelings and childhood promises under the rug. Don't feel guilty for not keeping your word. Just be grateful that, someday, you felt comfortable and safe enough for starting something that brought you joy and taught you many things about yourself, that you had the luxury to let it go once you were done with it. Don't feel ashamed nor in the wrong for leaving some of these burdens on the side of the path. Getting to where you're going will be easier if you're actually standing straight and not crawling under the useless weight. That's actually a promise I can make myself now and I know I won't regret this one; I'll do my best to get to end, as light as possible.